As I write this, please remember everyone sins differently. What I see as sin, you may or may not see as sin.I hope you will read my words and see how Jesus worked in my life from my transparency.
In 2014, my ex-husband informed me that he no longer wanted to be married to me any longer. I was broken. I was so lost & confused. I was convinced that if I did everything he ever wanted to do, our marriage would survive. I was so misguided & delusional. I asked him for some time to show him what a great wife I could be. smh…. I proceeded to behave like I never had before. I turned into a proverbial sex kitten. I did anything and everything, besides bringing someone else into our bed. It was crazy & tiresome. We even went to a strip club as a couple. It was ridiculous!!!
Of course, none of this worked because sex wasn’t the problem in our marriage. Sex was one of the problems in my heart & MY MIND. See, I have had an addiction to pornography & masturbation, since I was a young little girl. When I was home alone, I would sneak and look at my parent’s porn. I would see what the adults were doing and then try my best to create the feelings or make the looks and sounds the women would make in the magazines and films. This become a regular habit, that I couldn’t shake off. Sex was at the forefront of my mind all the time. I guess my mind worked like a man’s mind when it came to sex. I carried these addictions into every relationship I was in. I never saw a problem with it because every guy I was with loved it. A girl that loved to watch porn & masturbated, what could be better.
In those months when I was trying to save a broken marriage, I was also getting closer to Jesus. I know it may be hard to believe, considering the trip to the club. However, that trip was the beginning to me waking up. It showed me how much power I gave to sex in my life. I was thinking about sex all the time. I believed sex made a marriage. That sex was more important than any other aspect of marriage, even verbal communication. I was lost in a sex wasteland. I was blessed that Jesus came into my life. Jesus started working on my heart, while my brain was working against my heart. I had to go through a lot of loss but when I did Jesus was there to pick up the pieces. During this time, Jesus was there guiding me away from my sexual sin.
For the next 2 years, Jesus worked on my addictions. He was cleaning me. He was making me a new creation and I couldn’t carry my sexual mess with me any longer. I knew He was watching over me. I wanted to make Him happy with my actions. So, how would it look for me to be doing those things as He was looking at me. The thought made me feel some kind of way. I had to lay it down. It was very hard. It was such a major part of my life for so long, but I was able to do it. I threw all of our porn & sex toy collection away. It wasn’t an easy process. I fell a few times. It is amazing how easy it is to find porn nowadays. Sex toys are becoming cheaper and more easily accessible. You don’t have to go to the sleazy sex shops anymore. Walmart & Target sell them, now.
In 2019, I guess the word would be “sober”, I am sober. I haven’t watched porn or masturbated in almost 3 years. I slipped up 1 time in my forever marriage. I asked Jesus and my husband for forgiveness. I realized I was a thief. I had been the accomplice to my sexual sin stealing my innocence as a child. I had also helped rob the sexual intimacy from my previous relationships. Do I still get urges? Yes, just like with other addictions, the urges come but I know how to fight them off now. I pray. I also do not want to be the thief in my marriage. It is harder work making love without porn but it is so worth it. You actually have to love and desire your spouse. It is more than a visual task. It is more than just sex, getting an orgasm. A special connection links us together, a connection created by God. I am so blessed to know the difference.
I AM FREE!!!