Sexual Sin

As I write this, please remember everyone sins differently. What I see as sin, you may or may not see as sin.I hope you will read my words and see how Jesus worked in my life from my transparency.

In 2014, my ex-husband informed me that he no longer wanted to be married to me any longer. I was broken. I was so lost & confused. I was convinced that if I did everything he ever wanted to do, our marriage would survive. I was so misguided & delusional. I asked him for some time to show him what a great wife I could be. smh…. I proceeded to behave like I never had before. I turned into a proverbial sex kitten. I did anything and everything, besides bringing someone else into our bed. It was crazy & tiresome. We even went to a strip club as a couple. It was ridiculous!!!

Of course, none of this worked because sex wasn’t the problem in our marriage. Sex was one of the problems in my heart & MY MIND. See, I have had an addiction to pornography & masturbation, since I was a young little girl. When I was home alone, I would sneak and look at my parent’s porn. I would see what the adults were doing and then try my best to create the feelings or make the looks and sounds the women would make in the magazines and films. This become a regular habit, that I couldn’t shake off. Sex was at the forefront of my mind all the time. I guess my mind worked like a man’s mind when it came to sex. I carried these addictions into every relationship I was in. I never saw a problem with it because every guy I was with loved it. A girl that loved to watch porn & masturbated, what could be better.

In those months when I was trying to save a broken marriage, I was also getting closer to Jesus. I know it may be hard to believe, considering the trip to the club. However, that trip was the beginning to me waking up. It showed me how much power I gave to sex in my life. I was thinking about sex all the time. I believed sex made a marriage. That sex was more important than any other aspect of marriage, even verbal communication. I was lost in a sex wasteland. I was blessed that Jesus came into my life. Jesus started working on my heart, while my brain was working against my heart. I had to go through a lot of loss but when I did Jesus was there to pick up the pieces. During this time, Jesus was there guiding me away from my sexual sin.

For the next 2 years, Jesus worked on my addictions. He was cleaning me. He was making me a new creation and I couldn’t carry my sexual mess with me any longer. I knew He was watching over me. I wanted to make Him happy with my actions. So, how would it look for me to be doing those things as He was looking at me. The thought made me feel some kind of way. I had to lay it down. It was very hard. It was such a major part of my life for so long, but I was able to do it. I threw all of our porn & sex toy collection away. It wasn’t an easy process. I fell a few times. It is amazing how easy it is to find porn nowadays. Sex toys are becoming cheaper and more easily accessible. You don’t have to go to the sleazy sex shops anymore. Walmart & Target sell them, now.

In 2019, I guess the word would be “sober”, I am sober. I haven’t watched porn or masturbated in almost 3 years. I slipped up 1 time in my forever marriage. I asked Jesus and my husband for forgiveness. I realized I was a thief. I had been the accomplice to my sexual sin stealing my innocence as a child. I had also helped rob the sexual intimacy from my previous relationships. Do I still get urges? Yes, just like with other addictions, the urges come but I know how to fight them off now. I pray. I also do not want to be the thief in my marriage. It is harder work making love without porn but it is so worth it. You actually have to love and desire your spouse. It is more than a visual task. It is more than just sex, getting an orgasm. A special connection links us together, a connection created by God. I am so blessed to know the difference.

I AM FREE!!!

Love Ya

Shelley Wesley

Hate

Hate is a strong word to me. I don’t use it a lot but when I do, it is typically because a person has treated me with extreme hostility or dislike. I have had moments when I have felt hate towards others. However, those moments were short-lived. I do my best to recognize when I am having those moments and I change my way of thinking. I have witnessed what happens to people if they allow hate to live in their hearts. I never want to be one of those people.

Hate

Hate

Hate

Hate takes too much time, too much planning!!! I am a spontaneous lady! I like to see how people treat me before I decide if I am going to respect them or not. That is the realm I live in. You really shouldn’t concern yourself with rather or not I hate you. Your question should be, does Shelley respect me? I really put a lot of weight into RESPECT. Respect means so much to me. I guess it is based on the fact that I feel like liking someone can be faked. Respect is different. Either someone respects you or they don’t. You can be cordial to a person that you do not respect but your mannerisms are different. Your facial expressions or the way you speak is different. When you have respect for someone, you can see it, hear it, shoot you can even feel it. Genuine respect is amazing.

I can dislike you but still respect you as a human being but if I don’t respect you, you will never experience the true Shelley. You will only get Michelle and she is cool person but not as fun-loving and happy as Shelley. Michelle will be nice to you but do her best to get away from you as soon as she can.

Do I hate anyone? No. However, there are a lot of people that I do not respect.

Love ya

Shelley Wesley

My King

My marriage is a typical marriage. We go through our highs and or lows, especially since we are a blended family. However, it is my responsibility as the wife, 2nd in charge, the Queen to uplift my King. This husband of mine is truly a man of God. He couldn’t make it out to the OneRace prayer meeting last night because he was sick. This morning our dog woke him up early and Charles made the decision to go to prayer and the Men’s breakfast at church. He could have just laid back down but I know he was convicted by the Lord to go be with like-minded men.

Ladies these men exist, good God fearing men, praying men. They are out there if you want them but you are not supposed to pursue them. They are meant to be the pursuer. Even my shy, timid husband pursued me. When he is the right one and in God’s timing, everything will just click. It may not be perfect but God’s Grace will shine a light on the relationship and be there to defend it and you both against every attack of the enemy, even when one of you maybe the enemy within. God’s timing, blessed me with the husband I was made for, stop rushing the process or you might end up with more frogs instead of your KING!!! You king is out there looking for you, praying for you. Are you praying for him?

Love Ya

Shelley Wesley

Control

I haven’t written anything in a while because I have been in a state of confusion. My purpose wasn’t clear to me. I was hearing things but questioning if I was the right person for the job.

Today, I recognize that even though I am a little weird and crazy, I am definitely the right person. I just need to stay on this path and allow God to lead me. I need to stop trying to be in charge of my life & give control to Him. Giving up control may be hard for me but it is something I need to do.

Strong minded, Alpha woman, Leo, for whatever reason, I have always had issues with relinquishing my control or power to someone else. It may come from having trust issues, I am not sure but I have to grow and change that aspect of my personality. It is holding me back from being the Shelley that I am supposed to be, that God created me to be.

Changes are coming!!!

Love Ya

Shelley Wesley

God’s Light

I want to be God’s light but I like the Disney Villains more than I like the Princesses. I want to be God’s light but I like the Nightmare Before Christmas more than I like any Christmas movie. I want to be God’s light but I like fairies, elves, unicorns and all things magical. I want to be God’s light but I want my unicorn hair back. I want to be God’s light but I have addictions that I fight with daily. I am quirky and strange but I still want to be God’s light. I love God! I trust God! I know that He is real. He is my protector and the greatest supporter I have ever had in my life. Jesus has held me down and had my back, when I have been abandoned by people. I want to be obedient and listen to him. However I sit here and wonder how with all that I have going on in me and the fact that I am a true Little 5 Points girl in my heart and soul, how does He possible want me to counsel His people?

Love Ya

Shelley Wesley

They are not your “REAL” enemy.

Ephesians 6:12 says, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”

This is true. We have to start looking at people differently. We are not fighting against the person that is committing the wrong doings. We are in a fight with the spirit/s that are in their minds telling them what to do, helping them plot against you, These spirits are convincing them that their behavior is alright.

We have to start praying for these people. It is time to release our offense and start using the weapons that God has giving us. These people look like our enemies but they are just the puppets that the “TRUE” enemy uses against God’s people. These individuals are in bondage or stuck in a stronghold. The have been trapped and are doing the devil’s bidding and most of them do not have a clue it is happening. We have to pray for their souls. As God’s soldiers, I feel like it is our responsibility to stand in the gap for them. The anger or contempt we are holding in our hearts and minds for these people is blocking our true purpose. That purpose is to bring people to Jesus Christ, to help them form a relationship with the Father.

We have to change our stance towards them as well. We cannot act like they are our enemy. They have to see Jesus’ light shining through us. Our behavior needs to be kind & humble, even in the moments we feel like fighting them. I understand this is hard to do and sometimes you may feel like it is a waste of time because you do not see a change in the person you are praying for. I know how that feels. However, I believe that our prayers will be answered. It is just not time, right now. God gives us all free will. He doesn’t push Himself on us. He waits until we are ready to come to Him. I am also convinced that even though they may not react to our behavior change, they still see it. One day, these people who once treated you like an enemy, will recognize the grace you gave to them. I am under the belief, when this person is having their moment with God, when it is time for them to be turned into a new Godly creation, all will be forgiven by God. So why are we so angry?

Pray, show them grace and allow God to deal with the hard stuff. You may ask how I can speak on this so easily? It is because I have been there myself. I had so much hate in my heart for a person, that I felt the contempt controlled my emotions & behavior. That was a false statement that I believed about myself. I was praying and asking God to control me when I was around this person, not to allow me to come out. I actually prayed for Him to control my tongue because I was afraid of what I would say. Once I relinquished control of my emotions, behavior & tongue to God, I knew He was not only real but He was in control. I wanted to spit out curse words and God had me shaking hands and hugging folks.

So believe me when I tell you:

God has it covered!!!

Love Ya

Shelley Wesley