This is my journey to strengthening my relationship with Jesus Christ & to discover the true purpose of my life.
According to my Mother, I have always been a spiritual person. However, when I look back in my life, I didn’t follow God’s word. A few years ago, I had an eye opening experience that lead me on this path to grow closer to Jesus. During this time, I went through a traumatic divorce. I felt like I lost the respect of my son & daughter. I lost my career. I lost most of my materialistic, worldly items. BUT GOD! I didn’t lose Jesus. I actually found Him. I found the person that had always been there for me.
In the past 5 years, I have been healed from so many things when I gave my life to Jesus. He blessed me with a husband I never thought I would deserve. My kids tell & show me that the love & respect me. I was giving the responsibility of helping raise 2 beautiful daughters. Plus, I was blessed in so many other ways, as well.
In the midst of my blessings, I have been tested & attacked. These things have weakened & distracted me from my relationship with Christ. I have been backsliding in my relationship with God, almost to the point of being double minded. For 3 years I have heard that I must write. This confused me so much because I did/do not know what to write. So I put it off, I procrastinated, I just ignored what I heard from God. I would create FB pages & write what I believed He wanted me to write but it still didn’t feel like I was listening to God. This blog feels right. I have prayed about it. I have given it to God. So we will see what He allows me to share on this journey.
Enjoy my journey with me!!!
I haven’t written anything in a while because I have been in a state of confusion. My purpose wasn’t clear to me. I was hearing things but questioning if I was the right person for the job.
Today, I recognize that even though I am a little weird and crazy, I am definitely the right person. I just need to stay on this path and allow God to lead me. I need to stop trying to be in charge of my life & give control to Him. Giving up control may be hard for me but it is something I need to do.
Strong minded, Alpha woman, Leo, for whatever reason, I have always had issues with relinquishing my control or power to someone else. It may come from having trust issues, I am not sure but I have to grow and change that aspect of my personality. It is holding me back from being the Shelley that I am supposed to be, that God created me to be.
I want to be God’s light but I like the Disney Villains more than I like the Princesses. I want to be God’s light but I like the Nightmare Before Christmas more than I like any Christmas movie. I want to be God’s light but I like fairies, elves, unicorns and all things magical. I want to be God’s light but I want my unicorn hair back. I want to be God’s light but I have addictions that I fight with daily. I am quirky and strange but I still want to be God’s light. I love God! I trust God! I know that He is real. He is my protector and the greatest supporter I have ever had in my life. Jesus has held me down and had my back, when I have been abandoned by people. I want to be obedient and listen to him. However I sit here and wonder how with all that I have going on in me and the fact that I am a true Little 5 Points girl in my heart and soul, how does He possible want me to counsel His people?
Ephesians 6:12 says, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”
This is true. We have to start looking at people differently. We are not fighting against the person that is committing the wrong doings. We are in a fight with the spirit/s that are in their minds telling them what to do, helping them plot against you, These spirits are convincing them that their behavior is alright.
We have to start praying for these people. It is time to release our offense and start using the weapons that God has giving us. These people look like our enemies but they are just the puppets that the “TRUE” enemy uses against God’s people. These individuals are in bondage or stuck in a stronghold. The have been trapped and are doing the devil’s bidding and most of them do not have a clue it is happening. We have to pray for their souls. As God’s soldiers, I feel like it is our responsibility to stand in the gap for them. The anger or contempt we are holding in our hearts and minds for these people is blocking our true purpose. That purpose is to bring people to Jesus Christ, to help them form a relationship with the Father.
We have to change our stance towards them as well. We cannot act like they are our enemy. They have to see Jesus’ light shining through us. Our behavior needs to be kind & humble, even in the moments we feel like fighting them. I understand this is hard to do and sometimes you may feel like it is a waste of time because you do not see a change in the person you are praying for. I know how that feels. However, I believe that our prayers will be answered. It is just not time, right now. God gives us all free will. He doesn’t push Himself on us. He waits until we are ready to come to Him. I am also convinced that even though they may not react to our behavior change, they still see it. One day, these people who once treated you like an enemy, will recognize the grace you gave to them. I am under the belief, when this person is having their moment with God, when it is time for them to be turned into a new Godly creation, all will be forgiven by God. So why are we so angry?
Pray, show them grace and allow God to deal with the hard stuff. You may ask how I can speak on this so easily? It is because I have been there myself. I had so much hate in my heart for a person, that I felt the contempt controlled my emotions & behavior. That was a false statement that I believed about myself. I was praying and asking God to control me when I was around this person, not to allow me to come out. I actually prayed for Him to control my tongue because I was afraid of what I would say. Once I relinquished control of my emotions, behavior & tongue to God, I knew He was not only real but He was in control. I wanted to spit out curse words and God had me shaking hands and hugging folks.
On July 23, 2019, my day started pretty great. I prayed for everyone that God placed in my heart. I was in a lot of pain but I felt like I had made a major accomplishment concerning my prayer life. I prayed for everyone, even people that have treated me badly. I even prayed for people, I don’t have good feelings for, right now. I was planning on writing a post and working through my physical pain. Then it HIT me!!! JEALOUSY & ENVY!!!
Don’t get me wrong, I have been jealous and envious before but those times were fleeting. They went away as quickly as they came. This was different. Jealousy & envy brought their friend failure with them. That was so rough. I started crying and I couldn’t control my emotions. I hated the way I felt. It was one of many times that I felt like I wasn’t being the best wife & mom that I could/should be to my husband & kids. I wasn’t able to do something for them that, in my mind, I felt like I should have been able to do. I have so many different expectations for myself as a wife & mother. As I think of the conversations I had with my husband & 2 of our kids later that day, most of my expectations for myself are probably unrealistic and not necessary to make my family happy.
As I was talking to Charles, my laptop turned on and I saw the date was 7/23. I have been married before and 7/23 was our anniversary date. It would have been 15 years yesterday, but the marriage has been over for 5 years. Yesterday was just a regular day to me. BUT! I realize the enemy was angry with me because I was supposed to let that day bother me. The devil wanted me to feel like a failure because that marriage ended in divorce. So since I didn’t let that bother me, he went into attack mode from a different direction. As I write this please understand, I DO NOT GIVE THE devil ANY POWER OVER MY LIFE OR MY FAMILY. I know God gives him permission to touch us and our lives to test our trust, faith, & belief in God Himself. The enemy doesn’t have any true power over God’s children. When I realized this, I got upset with myself a little more because I fell for his tricks, again. I fell into one of his traps, on a day that started with me being obedient to the Father. How could I? How could I fall into his trap again and I feel so close to Jesus. Why did I allow this to happen, again? I had to be reminded that I am not perfect and God knew this would happen before it happened.
I am a pretty emotional being but the husband God gave me isn’t. He is my calming spirit. He sat with me, hugged and encouraged me. Charles is constantly reminding me that most people wouldn’t be able to see clearly what was happening at the time. He also emphasized to me how impress he is that I am able to examine myself to see what I need to change or modify in me personally. The kids let me know that my worries were unneeded because I take care of a lion’s share of their needs & wants. That my concerns were nice but they were all right and they did not feel slighted at all. The day ended on a good note and I am so happy for that. I thanked God for His clarity. I could have been trapped in that hole, the enemy created for me of jealously, envy, failure, desperation, and hatred for a long time, but I wasn’t. I have seen it happen to others. It isn’t a pretty sight. I was spiritually and emotionally attacked yesterday but it ended with a blessing.
During these moments, we have to recognize the attack for what it is but at the same time, we have to think clearly of what God is trying to show us. We cannot stay in the trap. God gives us escape routes for everything the devil tries to throw at us. Have faith that God has prepared you for every attack.
LOOK FOR YOUR ESCAPE ROUTE, IT IS THERE, WAITING FOR YOU TO OPEN THE DOOR!!!
I am surrounded by people who have been hurt by some type of rejection. Parental and spousal rejection has affected most of the people in my life. Many of these people have pushed through the emotional trauma that was caused by the people that rejected them. However, have they really been healed from the rejection? Are they carrying around guilt and shame from being rejected by people they trusted? Can you be healed and still not be able to see your value? If you have not been fully healed, you can create life patterns that will possible be passed down to their children and other generations to come. I believe in generational curses. I also believe that these curses can be cancelled out. We just have to reach out to God and request that He cancel out the curses and show us what we need to do to help in the process.
I have started a self examination season this Summer. I am looking to heal some of my anger issues that I am still carrying around. I realize this is not going to be an easy task. I am going to have to put a lot of work in to dig deep into my mind and soul to discover the reasons why I am so angry. I believe I can be healed from the trauma that created the anger. Once I am healed from the trauma, I know my anger will subside. I have created a support team that includes my husband, our therapist and a few really good books that touch on healing from rejection and other issues that created some of my emotional trauma.
I am determined to receive the emotional healing that God has blessed me with. So many of us have received our healing, we just haven’t done the work necessary to open our hearts, minds, bodies, and souls to accept our healing. I have made a promise to myself that the curse of anger will not continue to be passed down to my children. I am certain that even though my kids are older, they will see the change in me and want that change for themselves as well. I have prayed for the change and I recognize this change is inline with God’s will. I am certain he will answer my prayer. I look forward to reacting in a different manner when something irks me.
I woke up to a migraine this morning. I have too many things to do. I cannot deal with this. One dark room, some medicine, & a cup of ginger turmeric tea. I pray this takes the pain away.
Fibromyalgia intensifies my pain. It always hurts or pinches a little harder. People don’t understand why I am put down by a simple migraine. Fibromyalgia makes the pains that would normally feel like a 10 for a regular person, feel like a 15 or a 20 for me. My nervous system is so heightened that when it senses pain, it goes crazy. I can feel the pain in multiple areas of my body not just the initial area that was hurting. The pain is in my head but it radiates to my lower extremities. I feel pinching and pulling in my arms, my legs and my feet. My hair actually feels like it hurts.
I am judged for so many things, like I am the weakest link of the world. It really bothers me so much sometimes. I am a very hard worker. I am known for my work ethic from former coworkers. I feel like a failure because I cannot deal with pain like other people. I know the stress from that isn’t helping me any. I need to learn not to stop allowing other people’s opinions about me to bother me. It is so hard to deal with people when they do not believe you about your condition. It hurts my heart that people who I love or once loved would believe I was lying or stretching the truth. Please believe, I want to be a normal healthy person that could build a piece of furniture from Ikea for her son & not be put down for the next day. That just isn’t my truth right now. It sucks!!!
I am supposed to be enjoying my life with my husband. I am supposed to be teaching and helping my kids. I want a pain free life. I have been told sugar isn’t helping my condition. I have been eating sugar or products with sugar in it, all of my life. I am addicted to sugar.
My husband was taking an ethics test for his job. He was discussing the different classifications that were explained in the video, Cis & Trans genders. I questioned why we needed so many classifications. I am so annoyed by the fact that the world needs so many labels for humans. My son believes these classifications/labels are needed. He thinks that it helps people to know who you are, I don’t believe that. I believe it is more of a way to separate & divide us as Humans.
We are told in the Bible that we are made in God’s image. We are told so many times and ways in church that we should put God 1st in our life. However, we do not do that. We tend to put our race, culture, religion, sexual orientation before God. We label ourselves so many titles before we state we are children of God.
I used to concern myself with being able to check a box labeled “Mixed.” It ate me up inside to have to check “Other.” This label is actually the closet to the truth. I am Other. I am other than the norm in this world. I am a child of God. He is my 1st love. He was there when no one else was & He will be here for me forever. Why do we classify ourselves as anything else other than children of God?