Pounding my head into the pillow…..I hear You, Lord.
I am not listening to You, so You are showing me how it feels. It is nerve wrecking to tell someone something and to have to constantly repeat yourself. I am blessed to have a Father that doesn’t get feed up and tired of it, like I do. Thank you, Jesus for reminding me of my issues. You are so patient and kind with me. I have to do better with the people around me and in my life.
I haven’t spoken to my Mother in a few months. We are both stubborn. I have been praying for my relationship with my Mom to get better. God always makes a way. I just wish it wasn’t this way. It is 4:30 in the morning & I am wide awake, sitting in a hospital room. I have to start listening better. God has to do some drastic things for me to actually see or listen to Him. I have to do better.
My Mom has a blood clot in her lungs. I am doing my very best to be positive and truly believe God’s hands are on my mother. I know she will be healed. The little girl, inside of me, is terrified. She is having trouble going to sleep now. I have silently prayed and prayed over her out loud.
I don’t know how to put this into words without sounding like I do not trust God but I haven’t had enough time with my Mom. I need her to be healed. I need her to walk out of this hospital and for us to have a better relationship. I am trusting in You Lord and expecting You to heal her in the name of Jesus.
I am not ready to say goodbye to my Mom.
Pastor Johnson Bowie’s (Pastor of Victory World Church, Hamilton Mill) message on Saturday, hit home. It was about the crazy love of God. He touched on so many points that I needed to hear. Pastor’s sermon reminded me why my relationship with God fall apart, again. Why I broke up with Jesus? Also, why the relationship is still not repaired, after 2 years of believing I was trying to place God 1st in my life. I was still trying to be in control, instead of turning the reins over to God. His message piggybacked on a FB Live that I watched this week from Pastor Mike, Lady Felecia, & Allyson (Community Church of God, Atlanta). Their conversation was about forgiveness. During their FB Live, I was reminded that I was still mad at God for allowing so many bad things to happen to me. I was angry about my test, trials & tribulations. This is crazy because I know those things are allowed for us to learn from them, not to hurt us or discipline us. I allowed the anger & pain to overrule me. I have asked the Lord for forgiveness for being angry at Him. I additionally have forgiven myself for falling into the devil’s trap of anger & unforgivingness. I am now in the process of correcting my behavior, reconstructing my thought process and not allowing my flesh to control me.
I feel like improving how I handle my emotions will help me out, a lot. I tend to be a VERY emotion driven person. That has to change. Once I stop allowing my emotions to control me, my life will change for the better, not just for me but for my entire family. I am looking forward to being able to manage my level of offense, governing rather I allow someone to offend me or not. This may seem ridiculous to some but it is actually a challenge for me not to be offended. I allow myself to get insulted too easily. My level of clarity & discernment will increase. I will recognize that I have the power to be able to defend myself from the attacks or ignore the attacks, completely. It is my responsibility to choose how I respond to others. I do not have to respond to everyone or everything. I am going to decide the amount of power I give to others. I have made the decision not to give ANY power to people who are working against me or my family. I know controlling my emotions will help me with my relationships with my family & friends. With my discernment, I will be able to see who the true enemy is in my life.
These changes are going against what my flesh is telling me to do. However, I know they are needed because I am tired of being an angry person. I am determined to stop taking everything so personally. Anger may not shorten your life but it decreases your chances of experiencing God’s true joy in your life. I enjoy living a life filled with joy & happiness. That doesn’t come easily when you are mad all the time.