Hate is a strong word to me. I don’t use it a lot but when I do, it is typically because a person has treated me with extreme hostility or dislike. I have had moments when I have felt hate towards others. However, those moments were short-lived. I do my best to recognize when I am having those moments and I change my way of thinking. I have witnessed what happens to people if they allow hate to live in their hearts. I never want to be one of those people.
Hate takes too much time, too much planning!!! I am a spontaneous lady! I like to see how people treat me before I decide if I am going to respect them or not. That is the realm I live in. You really shouldn’t concern yourself with rather or not I hate you. Your question should be, does Shelley respect me? I really put a lot of weight into RESPECT. Respect means so much to me. I guess it is based on the fact that I feel like liking someone can be faked. Respect is different. Either someone respects you or they don’t. You can be cordial to a person that you do not respect but your mannerisms are different. Your facial expressions or the way you speak is different. When you have respect for someone, you can see it, hear it, shoot you can even feel it. Genuine respect is amazing.
I can dislike you but still respect you as a human being but if I don’t respect you, you will never experience the true Shelley. You will only get Michelle and she is cool person but not as fun-loving and happy as Shelley. Michelle will be nice to you but do her best to get away from you as soon as she can.
Do I hate anyone? No. However, there are a lot of people that I do not respect.
My marriage is a typical marriage. We go through our highs and or lows, especially since we are a blended family. However, it is my responsibility as the wife, 2nd in charge, the Queen to uplift my King. This husband of mine is truly a man of God. He couldn’t make it out to the OneRace prayer meeting last night because he was sick. This morning our dog woke him up early and Charles made the decision to go to prayer and the Men’s breakfast at church. He could have just laid back down but I know he was convicted by the Lord to go be with like-minded men.
Ladies these men exist, good God fearing men, praying men. They are out there if you want them but you are not supposed to pursue them. They are meant to be the pursuer. Even my shy, timid husband pursued me. When he is the right one and in God’s timing, everything will just click. It may not be perfect but God’s Grace will shine a light on the relationship and be there to defend it and you both against every attack of the enemy, even when one of you maybe the enemy within. God’s timing, blessed me with the husband I was made for, stop rushing the process or you might end up with more frogs instead of your KING!!! You king is out there looking for you, praying for you. Are you praying for him?
I haven’t written anything in a while because I have been in a state of confusion. My purpose wasn’t clear to me. I was hearing things but questioning if I was the right person for the job.
Today, I recognize that even though I am a little weird and crazy, I am definitely the right person. I just need to stay on this path and allow God to lead me. I need to stop trying to be in charge of my life & give control to Him. Giving up control may be hard for me but it is something I need to do.
Strong minded, Alpha woman, Leo, for whatever reason, I have always had issues with relinquishing my control or power to someone else. It may come from having trust issues, I am not sure but I have to grow and change that aspect of my personality. It is holding me back from being the Shelley that I am supposed to be, that God created me to be.
I want to be God’s light but I like the Disney Villains more than I like the Princesses. I want to be God’s light but I like the Nightmare Before Christmas more than I like any Christmas movie. I want to be God’s light but I like fairies, elves, unicorns and all things magical. I want to be God’s light but I want my unicorn hair back. I want to be God’s light but I have addictions that I fight with daily. I am quirky and strange but I still want to be God’s light. I love God! I trust God! I know that He is real. He is my protector and the greatest supporter I have ever had in my life. Jesus has held me down and had my back, when I have been abandoned by people. I want to be obedient and listen to him. However I sit here and wonder how with all that I have going on in me and the fact that I am a true Little 5 Points girl in my heart and soul, how does He possible want me to counsel His people?
Ephesians 6:12 says, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”
This is true. We have to start looking at people differently. We are not fighting against the person that is committing the wrong doings. We are in a fight with the spirit/s that are in their minds telling them what to do, helping them plot against you, These spirits are convincing them that their behavior is alright.
We have to start praying for these people. It is time to release our offense and start using the weapons that God has giving us. These people look like our enemies but they are just the puppets that the “TRUE” enemy uses against God’s people. These individuals are in bondage or stuck in a stronghold. The have been trapped and are doing the devil’s bidding and most of them do not have a clue it is happening. We have to pray for their souls. As God’s soldiers, I feel like it is our responsibility to stand in the gap for them. The anger or contempt we are holding in our hearts and minds for these people is blocking our true purpose. That purpose is to bring people to Jesus Christ, to help them form a relationship with the Father.
We have to change our stance towards them as well. We cannot act like they are our enemy. They have to see Jesus’ light shining through us. Our behavior needs to be kind & humble, even in the moments we feel like fighting them. I understand this is hard to do and sometimes you may feel like it is a waste of time because you do not see a change in the person you are praying for. I know how that feels. However, I believe that our prayers will be answered. It is just not time, right now. God gives us all free will. He doesn’t push Himself on us. He waits until we are ready to come to Him. I am also convinced that even though they may not react to our behavior change, they still see it. One day, these people who once treated you like an enemy, will recognize the grace you gave to them. I am under the belief, when this person is having their moment with God, when it is time for them to be turned into a new Godly creation, all will be forgiven by God. So why are we so angry?
Pray, show them grace and allow God to deal with the hard stuff. You may ask how I can speak on this so easily? It is because I have been there myself. I had so much hate in my heart for a person, that I felt the contempt controlled my emotions & behavior. That was a false statement that I believed about myself. I was praying and asking God to control me when I was around this person, not to allow me to come out. I actually prayed for Him to control my tongue because I was afraid of what I would say. Once I relinquished control of my emotions, behavior & tongue to God, I knew He was not only real but He was in control. I wanted to spit out curse words and God had me shaking hands and hugging folks.
On July 23, 2019, my day started pretty great. I prayed for everyone that God placed in my heart. I was in a lot of pain but I felt like I had made a major accomplishment concerning my prayer life. I prayed for everyone, even people that have treated me badly. I even prayed for people, I don’t have good feelings for, right now. I was planning on writing a post and working through my physical pain. Then it HIT me!!! JEALOUSY & ENVY!!!
Don’t get me wrong, I have been jealous and envious before but those times were fleeting. They went away as quickly as they came. This was different. Jealousy & envy brought their friend failure with them. That was so rough. I started crying and I couldn’t control my emotions. I hated the way I felt. It was one of many times that I felt like I wasn’t being the best wife & mom that I could/should be to my husband & kids. I wasn’t able to do something for them that, in my mind, I felt like I should have been able to do. I have so many different expectations for myself as a wife & mother. As I think of the conversations I had with my husband & 2 of our kids later that day, most of my expectations for myself are probably unrealistic and not necessary to make my family happy.
As I was talking to Charles, my laptop turned on and I saw the date was 7/23. I have been married before and 7/23 was our anniversary date. It would have been 15 years yesterday, but the marriage has been over for 5 years. Yesterday was just a regular day to me. BUT! I realize the enemy was angry with me because I was supposed to let that day bother me. The devil wanted me to feel like a failure because that marriage ended in divorce. So since I didn’t let that bother me, he went into attack mode from a different direction. As I write this please understand, I DO NOT GIVE THE devil ANY POWER OVER MY LIFE OR MY FAMILY. I know God gives him permission to touch us and our lives to test our trust, faith, & belief in God Himself. The enemy doesn’t have any true power over God’s children. When I realized this, I got upset with myself a little more because I fell for his tricks, again. I fell into one of his traps, on a day that started with me being obedient to the Father. How could I? How could I fall into his trap again and I feel so close to Jesus. Why did I allow this to happen, again? I had to be reminded that I am not perfect and God knew this would happen before it happened.
I am a pretty emotional being but the husband God gave me isn’t. He is my calming spirit. He sat with me, hugged and encouraged me. Charles is constantly reminding me that most people wouldn’t be able to see clearly what was happening at the time. He also emphasized to me how impress he is that I am able to examine myself to see what I need to change or modify in me personally. The kids let me know that my worries were unneeded because I take care of a lion’s share of their needs & wants. That my concerns were nice but they were all right and they did not feel slighted at all. The day ended on a good note and I am so happy for that. I thanked God for His clarity. I could have been trapped in that hole, the enemy created for me of jealously, envy, failure, desperation, and hatred for a long time, but I wasn’t. I have seen it happen to others. It isn’t a pretty sight. I was spiritually and emotionally attacked yesterday but it ended with a blessing.
During these moments, we have to recognize the attack for what it is but at the same time, we have to think clearly of what God is trying to show us. We cannot stay in the trap. God gives us escape routes for everything the devil tries to throw at us. Have faith that God has prepared you for every attack.
LOOK FOR YOUR ESCAPE ROUTE, IT IS THERE, WAITING FOR YOU TO OPEN THE DOOR!!!
I am surrounded by people who have been hurt by some type of rejection. Parental and spousal rejection has affected most of the people in my life. Many of these people have pushed through the emotional trauma that was caused by the people that rejected them. However, have they really been healed from the rejection? Are they carrying around guilt and shame from being rejected by people they trusted? Can you be healed and still not be able to see your value? If you have not been fully healed, you can create life patterns that will possible be passed down to their children and other generations to come. I believe in generational curses. I also believe that these curses can be cancelled out. We just have to reach out to God and request that He cancel out the curses and show us what we need to do to help in the process.
I have started a self examination season this Summer. I am looking to heal some of my anger issues that I am still carrying around. I realize this is not going to be an easy task. I am going to have to put a lot of work in to dig deep into my mind and soul to discover the reasons why I am so angry. I believe I can be healed from the trauma that created the anger. Once I am healed from the trauma, I know my anger will subside. I have created a support team that includes my husband, our therapist and a few really good books that touch on healing from rejection and other issues that created some of my emotional trauma.
I am determined to receive the emotional healing that God has blessed me with. So many of us have received our healing, we just haven’t done the work necessary to open our hearts, minds, bodies, and souls to accept our healing. I have made a promise to myself that the curse of anger will not continue to be passed down to my children. I am certain that even though my kids are older, they will see the change in me and want that change for themselves as well. I have prayed for the change and I recognize this change is inline with God’s will. I am certain he will answer my prayer. I look forward to reacting in a different manner when something irks me.